10/29/2018

Leave it to the fashion community to answer one of life’s biggest mysteries. Spiritual leaders and scientists can finally put an end to the great debate whether there is life after death. The fanny pack died in the 1990’s and reincarnated on the 2018 runways under the guise of a waist or belt bag. Was the fanny pack’s disappearance the last 20 years part of an elaborate Y2K hoax or are designers so desperate for 90s nostalgia that bringing back plaid and combat boots just weren’t enough? Maybe designers, much like Hollywood, ran out of original ideas and decided to plague us with this fashion reboot? But wait, you say. Chanel is leading the pack (pun intended), so the new waist bags must be cool. This begs the question: if waist bags are proof of life after death, is Karl Lagerfeld god? Makes you think, right?

10/16/2018

Here’s how I know the Jews exaggerated about how long they wandered the desert: there is no way that Jewish women would ever survive 40 years without shopping. I’d consider it a victory if I made it just 40 days without shopping. Hell, even 40 hours would be a personal best. When I think of the poor Israelite women in that harsh desert climate, having left behind all their cool Ancient Egyptian skincare products, bored to tears eating Manna meal after meal, and having to wear the same tired sheaths and robes, my heart weeps. My name is Elisa, and I am a shopaholic. I am a social shopper, an emotional shopper, and a compulsive shopper. The medical term for a shopaholic is an oniomaniac (not too thrilled about the maniac part). A therapist once told me that I shop too much and shopping and overspending are at the root of all my issues. I fired her immediately and bought a new pair of shoes.