11/30/2018

I consider myself an intelligent woman with academic and street smarts. That said, there have been occassions where the prospect of shopping has clouded my judgment and turned me into a complete moron. Here are just a few examples:

1. When visiting The University of Pittsburgh School of Law, I accepted their offer when my mom took advantage of my poor geography skills and convinced me that Pittsburgh was only an hour train ride from New York and we would meet there on weekends to shop. Incidentally, I later referred to the jury as “the audience” during a mock trial. Its probably a good thing I don’t actually practice law. 

2. I moved to Miami and convinced myself I still needed to invest in a new fur coat for those two vaguely cold days a year. 

3. Everytime I opened and used a store credit card for 10% off my first purchase and about 40% apr. 

4. That time I forgot to pay said store credit card and accrued hundreds (maybe thousands) in interest. Sorry Saks, my first born child is already promised to Neiman Marcus. You will have to wait for my wardrobe to revert back to you upon my death. 

5. When I go to Dior and forget I am unemployed and form a giant pile of clothing and accessories to buy. Suddenly consider prostituting myself as a viable option and try and convince Dior they should take a page from Kmart and accept layaways. Abandon said plan when I realize my wardrobe isn’t whorish enough and I can’t afford both the Dior and the new slutty clothes. 

11/28/2018

Oops I Did it Again  (A Parody)

I think I did it again
I maxed out my card
Make less than i spend
Oh baby
I convince myself its not much
But thats just because im delirious
Cuz to to spend all my savings
Thats just so typically me
Ooh baby

Oops I did it again
I maxed out my card
Got lost in the store
Oh baby
Oops i think im in love
With these shoes from above
Im just that indulgent

You see my problem is this
Im buying away
Wishing that money it grew on trees
I try putting money away
But you see i must shop like every day
Cuz to spend all my savings
Thats just so typically me
Ooh baby

Oops I did it again
I maxed out my card
Got lost in the store
Oh baby
Oops i think im in love
With these shoes from above
Im just that indulgent

“Lisa, before you go, there’s something I have to show you.”

“Oh, its beautiful, but wait a minute, aren’t those?”

“Yeah, yes they are”

“But I thought they were sold out and the wait list closed”

“Well Lisa, I went to the stockroom and found you another pair”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have!”

Oops I did it again to my card
Maxed out, Got declined, oh baby
Oops I think these shoes were sent from above
Im just that indulgent

11/26/2018

My freshman year in college, I opted to take an Intro to Computing class. Online shopping was still relatively new and Macbooks and Iphones were inconceivable. For our first homework assignment we were meant to edit and then cut and paste a short Word document into an email. I know that sounds like child’s play, but believe me, at the time it was a challenging endeavor. Forever lazy, I asked a friend from class to do my homework for me, and he emailed mine immediately after his, from the same computer. The professor asked us to stay after class the following day. My friend was convinced we were getting kicked out of college but I wasn’t worried (this story predates my general anxiety disorder). Basically, the Professor called us out on cheating in such an obvious way, but because he was too busy to deal with it, asked us not to do it again. Fine, no big deal. Barely a slap on the wrist. For our second assignment we were asked to copy and paste the URL of our favorite website into an email. I sent the URL: girlshop.com. Girlshop was a small, edgy, contemporary designer clothing and accessories website, which when you entered the site, displayed an animated topless hula girl shaking her hips. You can probably see where this story is headed. The next class, the professor said he enjoyed reviewing our favorite websites, however he did not appreciate being directed to a pornographic site and that student should stay after class. I knew immediately he was talking about me and I had to face the embarrassment of explaining the website was for designer online shopping, and not porn. And that was the first of many, many instances where online shopping got me into trouble. 

PS: I got an engineering nerd to help with my final project of creating my own website and got an A in the course. 

11/23/18

Its never a vacation, road trip, or three hour tour if I don’t shop. Otherwise, what’s the point? I can look at the Grand Canyon online or in any book and marvel at its many wonders, but I can’t try on what’s new at Chanel unless I get my ass over there. Years ago, I had to attend my sister’s college graduation from Vassar in Poughkeepsie, NY, aka the middle of nowhere. Besides a couple diners and one of the Vanderbilt mansions, there isn’t much to see or do once you leave campus. Apparently, there’s a mall there but unless I feel the urge to build a bear or eat an Auntie Anne’s pretzel in another state, I won’t be going anytime soon. My father enjoyed Poughkeepsie because he loves trains and they have some famous railroad bridge and mini museum where I completely zoned out. Meanwhile, by the conclusion of all the graduation pomp and circumstance, my mom and I were itching to shop and forced my dad to drive several hours out of the way to stop at King of Prussia Mall. We sat him down in what I like to call the “Husband’s Chair” at Nordstrom with diet coke, a newspaper, and a frown and we took off with his wallet like two bats out of hell to Neiman Marcus. 

11/21/2018

I grew up in an affluent Jewish town in the Baltimore/DC/Metro area which I will hereon refer to as Jewville, to protect the uninnocent. I had a unique experience because I attended an all girls private school outside Jewville where I was one of only a handful of Jewish students. Surrounded by wasps by day and japs by night and weekend (and I use these terms lovingly), I was thankfully exposed to multiple types of people. Looking back, I am grateful to have had the opportunity to make friends with girls from all different faiths, races, and backgrounds, but I quickly learned what it meant to be in the minority. I also felt like an outsider in Jewville. I had many Jewish friends from Hebrew School, but our school experiences were so different, we had little in common. My school also ran later than public school, which meant on Tuesdays and Thursdays I arrived an hour late to Hebrew School, still in my uniform. On one occasion, my mother forced me to go to Hebrew School even though I scratched my cornia and had to wear an eye patch. I looked like a demented female pirate. But I digress, life in Jewville was not all sunshine and menorahs (although we boasted some of the best bagels on the east coast). 


Jewville has its own unofficial uniform, something I’ve rejected after years of forced homogenous dressing. The Jewville uniform is simple, and meant to demonstrate wealth, and by no means individuality. It consists of Lululemon leggings and a tank, sneakers (Ugg boots in the winter) and a Louis Vuitton Neverfull tote. I kid you not, Jewville has more Neverfulls floating around than a Japanese airport. A few older, more distinguished women opt for a classic Chanel flap, but the Neverfull is the standard entry level bag for Jewish American Princesses looking for a wealthy husband. The Neverfull is the bag version of a female mating call because it doubles as a diaper bag. It says, “My uterus is fertile and I’ve got the bag to match”.