Forget the Dior saddle bag and the Gucci track pants. Miami’s most fashionable women are rocking a new trend this season, and it’s not the latest it bag or anything designed by Virgil Ablogh; its a walker. That’s right ladies, its time to cut holes in your tennis balls and start slowly moving. Confused? You wouldn’t be if you were one of the many thousands of women this year who had a tummy tuck. Gorgeous, young women in their 20s and 30s are hunching all over Miami-Dade county on their walkers for support while recovering from “Mommy Makeovers.” Put your orders in now at your local pharmacy, or maybe if you wait long enough, Off-White will produce a line of Medical Supplies labelled “FOR WALKING.”


Leave it to the fashion community to answer one of life’s biggest mysteries. Spiritual leaders and scientists can finally put an end to the great debate whether there is life after death. The fanny pack died in the 1990’s and reincarnated on the 2018 runways under the guise of a waist or belt bag. Was the fanny pack’s disappearance the last 20 years part of an elaborate Y2K hoax or are designers so desperate for 90s nostalgia that bringing back plaid and combat boots just weren’t enough? Maybe designers, much like Hollywood, ran out of original ideas and decided to plague us with this fashion reboot? But wait, you say. Chanel is leading the pack (pun intended), so the new waist bags must be cool. This begs the question: if waist bags are proof of life after death, is Karl Lagerfeld god? Makes you think, right?


Here’s how I know the Jews exaggerated about how long they wandered the desert: there is no way that Jewish women would ever survive 40 years without shopping. I’d consider it a victory if I made it just 40 days without shopping. Hell, even 40 hours would be a personal best. When I think of the poor Israelite women in that harsh desert climate, having left behind all their cool Ancient Egyptian skincare products, bored to tears eating Manna meal after meal, and having to wear the same tired sheaths and robes, my heart weeps. My name is Elisa, and I am a shopaholic. I am a social shopper, an emotional shopper, and a compulsive shopper. The medical term for a shopaholic is an oniomaniac (not too thrilled about the maniac part). A therapist once told me that I shop too much and shopping and overspending are at the root of all my issues. I fired her immediately and bought a new pair of shoes.